His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
