I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
