As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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