Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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