i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
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And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
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What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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