just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
