I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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