when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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