in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
