1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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