I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
