so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
