Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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