so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
they're like a gay fantastic four
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
