all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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