dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
