So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
