i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
