A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
