It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
