I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
They are going to name an STD after you.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
