im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
