Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
