i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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