i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
