You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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