Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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