On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
