Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
