I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
