I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
