I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
