Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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