I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
