is your mom at the bar?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
