I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
not ubering you a puppy
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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