If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
