3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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