What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
