Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
