I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Actions speak louder than pants.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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