i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
