What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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