just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
