I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
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We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
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If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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