you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
