google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
