She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
