bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
