Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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