I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
