I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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