margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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