you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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