I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
